If I’m in your inbox, thanks for subscribing! Each week, you’ll get a little personal essay and a little pop culture commentary and maybe some other things along the way. This weeks newsletter topics include: indecision, Love is Blind, and HIPAA violations.
THE WEEKLY WHINE
I think I’ve said “I don’t know” more in the last month than I have in my entire life. I say “think” because I don’t know if that’s actually true.
An FAQ based on the questions I’ve been asked in the past few weeks would just be a list of I Don’t Know’s: I don’t know why it happened, I don’t know what I want to do next, and most days, I don’t know how I feel about it.
I’m not used to not knowing things. And not in an “I’m so smart” way but in an “Uncertainty makes me deeply anxious” way.
Historically, I’m very averse to not knowing. I grew up as one of seven (yes, seven!) kids, which meant I started working as soon as (read: a few years before) I was legally allowed to. Even throughout high school, I was never without a job—from babysitting my neighbor’s kids to filing charts at my dentist’s office to folding jeans at Old Navy. (Sidebar: you’re not allowed to say retail is “unskilled labor” until you have survived a $1 Flip Flop day at Old Navy.)
When I graduated college, I simply couldn’t afford to not know what I was doing next. I wanted to stay in New York and I had to pay off my student loans and I knew both of those things, unfortunately, require money.
Knowing my next step has always felt like a necessity, not a choice. Staring into the unknown is unsettling. Part of me can’t help but feel like I’m stuck on a staircase that’s suddenly collapsed, panicking as I figure out how I keep going up.
But a bigger part of me wants to embrace the I Don’t Know of it all for the first time. I can’t help but see the opportunity in the unknown. It’s very that-song-in-Frozen 2 vibes. Which, just so we’re all aligned, is a bad song (the chorus has no melody other than Idina Menzel screaming INTO THE UNKNOWN over and over!) in a bad movie (just make Elsa gay already, cowards!) Ok, sorry, Frozen 2 discourse over. As I was saying…
There are times where it’s important to know: if you’re asked a question on Jeopardy, if you're being proposed to, if you’re ordering dinner with friends and no one will pick a place. I’m not convinced this is one of those times.
The benefit, if there is one, of being part of high-profile corporate layoffs is the privilege of severance. I’ve been handed a green light to not know. Despite the circumstances, I’m extremely lucky. I have the luxury of (some) time, which I didn’t have when I graduated college or when I was inevitably violating HIPAA rules at my dentist office job.
Right now, it feels more important (but still extremely anxiety-inducing!) to not know.
In time, I’ll know - what I want to do next, who I want to be when I grow up, what to order for dinner when I’m scrolling Seamless. Or maybe I won’t. Who knows?
WHINE WITH ME
Dispatches from too much free time
WATCHING
Love Is Blind Season 2 (Netflix): This show makes a persuasive case for “it’s actually better to know” as singles get engaged without having ever seen each other. In one instance, someone proposes and gets rejected and then proposes to ANOTHER person who says yes! Someone at Netflix deserves an Emmy for casting the most delusional people to ever be on TV, including 28-year-old Danielle who still plays the video game Rock Band. It’s a trainwreck and I won’t look away.
The Worst Person In The World (In Theaters): The logline of this Norweigan movie is “A young woman battles indecisiveness as she traverses the troubled waters of her love life and struggles to find her career path.” So, yeah, it hit home just a little!
Abbott Elementary (ABC/Hulu): An actually good network sitcom? In 2022? You’d think I was kidding! Abbott Elementary is the best comedy to hit broadcast TV since The Good Place. And Ava, the underqualified and overconfident principal, just might be the funniest character on TV.
LISTENING
Stayaway (Now, Now Remix) by MUNA: I listen to this song at least three times a day, it’s that good.
The National’s ‘Trouble Will Find Me’ album: In my moodier moments, nothing hits like The National. This 2013 album - with standouts like ‘I Should Live in Salt’ - is an all-time favorite.
Chappel Roan: “Pink Pony Club” and “Naked in Manhattan” are amazing song titles and even better pop songs.
Kelly Clarkson Covering 'I Wanna Get Better': The best cover of the best song. Ellen Degeneres could never!
READING
Writers and Lovers (Lily King): A love triangle of novelists set in Cambridge, Mass? I drank it down like a Dunkin’ Iced Coffee.
The Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue: We are in the throes of my favorite season (Awards) which means it’s time for Vanity Fair’s annual celebration of the best-of-the-best in Hollywood. This year’s accompanying photoshoot is tacky, deranged, and maximalist – much like my personal aesthetic.
You're just amazing!! Can't wait for the newsletter
Alright, Colin… this is me *trying* not to make things worse for you, but I need you to know: prompts on Jeopardy are “answered” with the questions and NOT the answer. So, contestants rarely say they don’t know. For example, the prompt would be “recently laid off writer known to frequently whine in public.” The player responding would say “who is Colin?” Then the host would be like “ah poor guy, great newsletter though. 800 points!.”
Anyways… I’m sorry for implying you don’t know the rules of Jeopardy. It’s just that my life as a recent college graduate and young human being is also a mess. I’m a full-time caregiver to my 92-year-old grandma! I DON’T KNOW how to do it. We obviously watch Jeopardy like every night together.
If anything, it’s one less thing to say you don’t know!
I appreciate your newsletters. Keep writing!